It’s a few days before Halloween and this is the first year I didn’t even bother to try decorating; this alone says TONS about how I’ve been feeling since Halloween has always been my favorite holiday; Christmas couldn’t even compete.
When I was a kid, Mom and I always went all out – or at least as much as the financial situation would allow. We would both dress up in some concoction or other (never anything store-bought) and she’d take me trick-or-treating either in my grandparents’ neighborhood or wherever we were living at the time. Afterwards, she would go through all my candy and, after removing the gum and chocolate, I’d have a bag of leftovers to devour. (This may explain why I’m not a big fan of candy even now; there isn’t much left after you remove the chocolate and gum.)
This year, I don’t care about Halloween. Actually, I don’t care about Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas or New Years either, but I’m trying very hard to care about my son’s 11th birthday in a couple of weeks. It’s not fair for my preoccupation to overshadow his special day. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m trying to channel the kids’ love for the holidays in hopes it will disguise my apathy; I’m not sure how well that’s working.
I almost feel guilty because I’ve always done my best to make every holiday, regardless of how major or minor, the very best I could for the kids. The problem is I can’t even manage to fake a good mood long enough to make an effort. The boys are so enamored with the baby, they haven’t even asked when the decorations are going up. I guess they believe I have my hands full with her and, since she’s such a little cutie, they’ll forgive me this time.
Also, I’ve noticed I’ve been dwelling on the “dark” stuff a lot lately, as well, and my depression seems to be getting worse, but since it’s due to circumstances and not a bio-chemical affliction, there isn’t anything that can be done. I will get better eventually, but not any time soon. After all, “freedom” isn’t solely tied to my marital situation, but also to being free from the way I am now feeling. It’s hell swinging from absolute determination to almost utter hopelessness and back again all due to not feeling like things are moving fast enough.
Maybe I should try playing the lottery . . .
Pollyanna's Perspective 
I doubt playing the lottery would help the state of mind you are in.
What I found works for me when depression grips me, is focusing on chores, things I have to do. I make mental lists with what I have to do around the house, with what I have to write or edit that day, at what time I’ll take a bath or when I will do the laundry… Maybe it sounds rather silly, but it helps to focus the mind on other things, and you have children, they are the ones to focus on, I think.
It’s nice that you had such a great relationship with your mother (even if she took all of your candy, LOL, evil mom), I don’t have that. Not to mention my completely absent father, whom I’ve maybe seen… 5 times in my whole life, and not because he came to see me. There, I said it. I rarely say these things.
But don’t worry about me. I have nerves of steel. :p Or so I say and they do get stronger.
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Playing the lottery may not help my state of mind, but winning would certainly help things progress! lol Check out Facebook for the link to the other version of this post; it’s “lighter” and geared more towards those members of the family that aren’t aware of the entire situation.
I understand completely about your parents. Eventually, I’ll address the issues I’ve had with mine, but Lifetime will probably want dibs on movie rights. :-)
As they say, what doesn’t kill us the first time should run and hide before we seek revenge. ;-)
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LOL really? ha ha ha
That’s funny. I have been plotting my sweet revenge. Does that make me a bad person?
I will check the facebook post.
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