Have spoon; will survive

For those who have the joy of living with an invisible illness, including many different anxiety disorders, The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino has become the Rosetta Stone of explainations for those unafflicted.

In a nutshell, imagine having a dozen spoons you’ll need to spend just to get through your daily activities: getting out of bed, showering, basic hygiene, getting dressed, socializing, etc. all cost at least one spoon. Each. And day after day, there aren’t any guarantees you’ll have another 12 spoons when you wake up, which means there isn’t a way to make concrete plans in advance, but you still try. When the time comes to get ready to go out as planned, you might not be able to get out of bed. As a result, you will probably feel like a failure and a horrible friend for backing out on yet another activity you were looking forward to.

Sounds… Smells… The energy emanating from the crush of strangers in stores, at public events, family functions… How would you feel if these, and many other benign everyday things, were either triggers for panic attacks or so overwhelming at times, you found yourself doing what ever was necessary to minimize exposure, even if it meant rarely leaving your home?

It sucks, but this is your life.

Sadly, this has also been my life for many years now, but I’ve only recently been able to admit it to both myself and others. I have Complex PTSD – think long-term trauma, but jacked on steriods because plain, old PTSD is banal. ~sigh~ Don’t worry. I won’t bore you with the details surrounding the laundry list of events which led to this diagnosis; some things are what they are until the day they no longer will be.

I will tell you though that the persistent anxiety which is C-PTSD is bad enough, and the seemingly random attacks that tend to hit with little to no warning can make you feel worthless and weak, but what’s even worse are the other invisible illnesses which are first triggered, and then exacerbated, by the continuing onslaught of anxiety/attacks. It’s illness on top of illness on top of illness…

And the holidays?! I’ve always hated the hustle and bustle, but at least now I have a better grasp of what’s going on, and no longer feel as if I’ve been overreacting all of these years.

Still more major suckage, and also part of life.

In order to remain as healthy as possible, I go to counseling, take medication, exercise to the extent my body will allow (even if it’s only walking or stretching), TRY to eat right, but mostly I’m learning how to speak up when I need “me time” so I can attempt something that resembles relaxation. It’s this last one which causes the most problems, especially since self-advocation has never been one of my strengths. In addition, for the past few years, I’ve been lucky enough to surround myself with the most amazing support system: people who have given unconditional love and shown such innate understanding of what was needed, and when.

Maybe if we tried harder to show love and compassion towards each other, regardless of illness or state of general wellbeing, the world would be a better place. Maybe we could be kinder to those who seem “different” or are alone. Maybe, just maybe, we could be someone else’s support system, their reason to keep believing and hoping. Until such a time as this is even a possibility…

SPOOOOOON!!!